There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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