I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
