...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
