Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize