there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
