I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So much rum. So many feels.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
