We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
my liver is dry heaving
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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