So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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