barbara walters just said penis...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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