a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
