u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
