Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i think i just lost a toe
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
