I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
