ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
