There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
