sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
