apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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