Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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