and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
