i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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