chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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