Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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