Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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