I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
