I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
