mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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