Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
