this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
