Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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