can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
