Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i out mim tonsoeep
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