Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
