I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
