I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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