I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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