She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
