dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
