I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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