Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize