can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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