There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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