What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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