I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
