Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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