You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
