My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
