I am in a vortex of obligation.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I currently don't understand fingers.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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