you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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