I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
