Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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