if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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