Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
