we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
