We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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