worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
